Phone Calls Anxiety

15/04/2018


Someone texted me through Whatsapp the other day. It was a freelance job offer. We talked for a little while and I mailed him my freelance rates. He told me he will be in touch after reviewing my rate proposal. Everything looked good for a while.

Until I received a phone call. From an anonymous number.

I sat there, just letting my phone vibrated for a few minutes. The same number continued to ring me up but never did I picked the phone up. Not even once. Until this day I'm not sure if the anonymous caller was the person who offered me the job, all because i was too afraid to answer.

Phone calls make me uneasy. It drives me crazy. It triggers my anxiety. Why is that so, i wonder. I could, i should have picked up the phone. But i didn't. Because I was - am a chicken. I am a coward when it comes to phone calls. I hate the way my voice sounds over the speaker. I hate the shakiness and the roughness. I hate the thought that the person across the line is going to pick up on my nervous system breaking apart. I hate the possibility of the other person speaking too loud for my liking because that happens with individuals who are accustomed to speaking loudly. I hate it because loud voices are noisy grains in my eardrums and i feel like someone is yelling at me even when i know they are not. There are only very few people in this world whose voice i really like. Most of them I don't like.

I know this is such a selfish request but I wish people would just discuss business things through mail because that sounds like a more professional method for me (and of course, less intimidating too.) I know I might have just blown my chance away, especially when my situation could use extra financial sources. I think about the possibilities, the what-ifs. I wonder if I could have gotten the job and how much extra I could have made. I lied to myself, thinking that such small company wouldn't want to pay me with the right amount. What a rotten little thought, you might think. I guess that's what anxiety do best — they paint scenarios and print dual-ended scripts in our mind. I envy those with the courage to push against their anxiety and wish I could have done the same. In the end, I couldn't. I can't, at least not yet.

I am also aware that I cannot always act this way. Sooner or later I have to face my fears, like how I've been trying to keep my eyes on the person I talk to (because for some reason, eye contacts make me extremely uneasy and uncomfortable that I have to look elsewhere) but for now, I just wish I can somehow, magically grow a pair of wings that can help me fly forward, higher.

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