Vain and Credits

02/02/2018


Inspired by beauty youtuber Jenn Im, a post by Angeline Suwardi and Arora Appleby comes this seemingly vain blog post where I'm going to tell you a few things I love and hate about myself. This isn't narcissism per se but even if it is, so what? Narcissism is bad when you think the world revolves around you but not when you use it to support yourself. It's a double edged sword where, unless you do things out of moderation, it's not necessarily all bad.

As Jenn Im said in her video, let's start off with the negative first so we can finish the entire thing on a positive note. I will also talk about not only physical features but also emotional ones. Physical is, as its word suggests, to classify all the things you can see from the outside while emotional refers to personalities, traits and anything inside of us — me. In my opinion, self-love is not limited to appreciating how we are as a person inward but also how we look as a person. Some of us work hard to achieve certain outcome (for instance, going to the gym because you want to achieve a healthy body or taking the effort to doll up because you want to look good and comfortable in your skin) and that, too, needs some recognition. Even though some people consider looks as a superficial thing and what matters most is our heart, I think that sort of thing is kind of pretentious and a lot of bullcrap. Even if physical appearance doesn't matter to you, it may to other people. So instead of telling others discouraging things like, "why are you so narcissistic about your eyes? Why don't you just spend time caring about your personality instead?" maybe you should shut up start supporting them too.

My curves


I hate that I'm curvy by nature. A lot of people, including my family, called me fat and my body "shapeless" and that just elevates the hate even more. I don't even know or care if my body is pear-shaped or some other shape. I only knew how much I hated it. In high school, I was plump (fat, they'd say) with a non-existent waist. I then went on an extreme diet which was successful. I was thin, I still am but my curves are still pretty much intact. That's when I told myself that there's nothing I can do. People are just born with different body shape. Maybe, to society, I'm part of the "unlucky" ones who have a "flat" body. Maybe I'm not "pretty enough" as they say. But what can a girl do other than try to move forward? It's not easy to shake those "criticism" off but I have to, one way or another.

Flat nose


It's bad enough that my waist (and probably hips too) is nonexistent, I have a flat nose. And by flat I'm referring to flat nasal bone — it's pretty much nonexistent too, to be honest. I've been so insecure and annoyed whenever my parents commented how flat my nose is. It's like, yes I know I have flat, unattractive nose so can you please stop repeating it like a broken radio? Even though I never thought about getting it done, I used to be so embarrassed of it....until my friend and boyfriend thought it's cute. They called it 'button nose' instead of flat and said that it reminds them of a dainty, cartoon 'button nose.' They taught me to look at my nose from a different perspective and I've embraced it ever since.

Short height — oh, you mean petite?


I'm not sure if it's an Asian thing but Asian parents love to nag their kids to do this and that in order to "grow taller." My family urged me to play basketball, to play badminton, to drink milk, to drink this stupid Chinese herbal medicine that claims to make you tall and the only two things I love out of all those nonsense are badminton and drinking milk. Other than that, I gave up trying to be tall. Unlike the first two, I gave up trying to be tall pretty quick. I never really sweat about my height the way I worry about my body size and now, I love being petite. Who cares if I'm only 5'2"? At least I look cute and can squeeze my way out of the crowd when I need to.

Face shape


I have what I call a "rounded square" kind of face — or jaw, whichever you prefer. I hate that it always makes me look fat and wide and just, ugh no. I've always been jealous of people with oval or round face because to me, round is better and cuter than a "rounded square."

Insecurity


Here comes the cliche thing that all of us have: insecurity. I'm someone with zero confidence and even if you'd caught me feeling proud of my achievement and what I can do, chances are you're going to see me doubt myself five minutes later. In short, I'm the epitome of that "me, also me" meme. The weird thing is, I used to not give a damn about what people say. I was that kid who'd give you the finger for acting like you know me. Now, I'm just an emo garbage who constantly thinks she's not enough for anyone.

I'm sure I have a lot other things I hate about myself (because I'm a realistic pessimist and so much more!) but let's stop with the negatives and jump onto the positives because it's what this post is meant to be.

 


My eyes


I love my eyes. They're pretty big, doe-eyed and with double eyelids. Uneven but double eyelids nonetheless. I also love and appreciate the fact that they are doe-shaped because doe eyes are often described as innocent and dolly-like.

Eyelashes


I have pretty long eyelashes and I'm sort of thankful for that. I guess it's quite rare for Asians to be blessed with long lashes but here I am. The only downside is that they grow downwards and aren't as dense or voluminous which is why I have to curl them and use volumizing mascara all the time.

Eyebrows


Probably not the fullest looking eyebrows ever but they're pretty thick that I can get away without drawing them. I never trimmed them either so maybe that's why I never knew what it's like to have sperm cell brows. The only maintenance I have to do is get them threaded.

Independence and integrity


I don't know if it's because I'm so used to being alone to the point where independence becomes a part of who I am or simply because... "baby, I was born this way." Either way I'm an independent headstrong person who believes in integrity and individuality. For instance, I stand strong to what I believe in and it doesn't matter if I'm the odd one out. I embrace it. I'm not saying I'm a special, hipster cookie but you know, there are two factions you can choose: follower or leader and I'm positive I am not a follower.

Sass and wit


I have a twisted sense of humor that most people don't vibe along and that's fine, I don't really care. But if you know me, chances are you're going to see my sassy, sarcastic humor slip by. It's definitely something most people often misjudge me for — like how I was accused of being rude and "invalidating others" when it was just sass. Truth is, I don't really care anymore. I'm witty and I embrace that. After all, who's going to help you come up with a resourceful, "stab you in the heart" comeback when you need a Blair Waldorf-in-the-making sidekick?

A good listener


Not trying to boast or anything but I'm more of a listener type. I rarely talk and will only do so when there's something worth saying maybe this is why I hate people who speak nonsense. I also think the best advice can be written in silence and through listening.

Honest, upfront and blunt


If there's one thing you need to know about me is that I hate sugarcoated words and sweet talk my way through things. Like my wit, my blunt personality is often misunderstood by many and perceived as crude, non-sympathetic and stoic. I'm not sure about you but the world has too many hypocrites already and I don't want to be part of that group.

Okay, one last thing I promise...


Logical thinking


I'm part Ravenclaw, part Slytherin and if that's not self-explanatory enough then I don't know what is. I may not be the wisest crayon in the box but I pride myself in being a logical person most of the time. Like a typical INTJ, I am able to sort things out in my mind and create some sort of multiple choice stories of how things are going to turn out if I were to pick option A or B. I do struggle sometimes when I'm extremely tired or having a mental breakdown but for the most part, I'm all about strategic thinking. Even when I'm done bawling my eyes out, I always tell myself to snap out of it and think of a way out.



Like I said, this post might sound like I'm boasting about myself and my traits. Truthfully, I don't care. I'm done with looking out on other people's opinions. I was never anyone's expectation in the first place and honestly, I'm okay with that. As cliche as things sound, I think the first step to loving ourselves is to actually give credit where credit is due. As someone who grew up with family members and people constantly belittling me, the only way I can do is to let them know that I am able. Likewise, the people who think you should stop acknowledging your good points are perhaps people who need to stop breathing pause and ask themselves why. Jealousy and envy are completely fine as they are mundane but we don't always have to voice them out by verbally killing other people's self-esteem is what I'm saying.

What do you love about yourself?



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