The Train I Used To Board

19/01/2018


I used to spend hours on tumblr, reblogging things and browsing through tags. I was so keen on keeping my account neat I even assembled a page just for tags. I took care of my tumblr account like it meant everything to me. It was my moodboard, my updates to fandom related things and much more. Then everything stopped for what seemed like months, a year even. I thought I didn't need it anymore but I never really deleted it. I'm glad I didn't trashed it away because lately, I found myself going back to the platform to experience all the good things I used to be surrounded with. So, what changed?

First of all, this is probably the stupidest post I have ever written and some of you are probably rolling your eyes, your cursor against the x button. Why write a whole post about reusing a social media account you once ditched? Everybody does that. Nobody needs to know why you closed one platform and went back to another. So why do it?

Because going back to tumblr feels like returning back to a place I once called home.

I don't exactly remember why I stopped using it. I think it was because the app turned me off. It was so heavy and super slow so I didn't bother anymore. They say that changes start when you decide to take the very first step. The more steps you take, the easier it will be to change and the sooner it turns into a habit. I guess it did turned into a habit. It was safe to say that I went on a serious tumblr detox for around a year.

And then I moved on to twitter and facebook. I tried facebook because an old, high school friend of mine told me to try it. Despite all the other people nagging me to have a facebook account, her words were the ones that pushed me to do it. Why, it's because both she and I aren't huge fans of new social media platforms. Most people are drawn to trends but not us. So I thought why not try it, I can always limit the number of people I befriend with — which I did and boy, was I glad I don't spread my facebook account like wildfire. First few months of using facebook to laugh at stupidly adorable animal videos and memes were fun. For a moment there I thought, "hey this is better than twitter!" and even if that's not true, facebook was fun because I only had 10 friends (still do now, nothing changed.)

Fast forward to my current ongoing digital detox process, I've realized that facebook isn't as fun as I thought. It reminds me of the kind of fear, danger and anxiety I constantly feel when I'm on twitter. The inability to be expressive, to be honest. Feeling like I am caged to people's expectation because I am such a foolishly opinionated girl. I logged out of facebook and moved back to twitter.

Here's a not so secretive thing about me, I am not a people pleaser. I wasn't born to nod my head and say yes to everything. I used to not care about what people think. The keyword here is used to. What changed? Social media, especially one with a lot of hypocrites and pretentious, sweet talking liars — they change you me. For some reason I'm afraid of unfollowing people because I'm afraid of their judgment. I thought I wanted people to know me as the good guy even if that means I had to sacrifice myself. I didn't want people to think I unfollowed them because I dislike them. So I kept going, kept scrolling even if it means seeing stressful updates on my timeline — political debates, hypocritical social justice warriors screaming about feminism like they understand it when they don't, people guilt tripping each other and people betraying their own words because it's safer to follow than to stand out.

Newsflash, I'm done with that.

So I made this thread on twitter saying how I want to purge the bad things from my timeline. I unfollowed some accounts not out of hatred or dislike but rather, for the best of my well-being. Call me ignorant all you want if that makes you feel great judging someone from behind the screen but I'm done and I don't care. I stopped caring.

I stopped tweeting about my opinions regarding sensitive topics. I'm exhausted of being prosecuted and I'm done with trying to make people understand. Let me be that stubborn, nasty wine stain on the white of your carpet if it means not following what other people do.

I logged in to tumblr yesterday. I took the time to tweak my page, change its theme and create a new about me page. I browsed my dashboard and scrolled through all the posts with a smile on my face. I remember why I never really left that place. I felt oddly free. I decided to bring my tumblr account back to life and I was once again on board with the train I once loved. I realize that in this train, nobody insists you to be....normal. Nobody is forcing me to shut up and agree. I don't have to nod my head and lower my gaze. I can have the freedom to be opinionated again.

Whoever is reading this right now probably thinks about how stupid I sound or how unnecessary this post is. You thought it was going to be a post about something intense, only to find out that it's just a babbling nonsense about a girl and her relationship with a virtual platform.

But this huge chunk of babbling nonsense are fragments of my scattered feelings, the ones I can comprehend to form one paragraph or two. And when I do this, I realize the intangible things my mind needs in order to gain a little bit of peace.

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