mlkbx.: Things Anxiety Made Me Realize
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It's a journal with no niche, that talks about anything and everything in between.
The cat behind Mlkbx is a fan of pop culture, books, 3 am thoughts and conspiracy theories.
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Things Anxiety Made Me Realize

22/12/2017


Anxiety sucks and we know it sucks. But sometimes when we don't have a choice, we just have to let things happen. Let the tears flow, let the world knows how much you need to scream from the top of your lungs and be transparent with all the feelings bursting inside you. Once all the heart-wrenching emotions have flown away, I've come to realize certain things that are actually beneficial when seen from another perspective.

Some disclaimers before I start,
I am in no way saying that anxiety should be left alone untreated. Professional help is highly recommended if you are willing to seek for one. My intention was not to glorify mental illness whatsoever. If it helps, I happen to be in your shoes. I suffer from panic attacks, constant agitation and irrational fear. I am always, always on alert. I know how it feels, I really do. I am fully aware that mental illness is not a positive thing but it'd be nice if you'd let me share some realizations I've had this year. So before anyone goes off telling me that this post is garbage, do understand that I am not glorifying anything and if you are easily offended by unfiltered freedom of thoughts, do not blame me.

Learning empathy towards other people


I was never a very empathetic person to begin with and I'm not the most sympathetic or empathetic person in the world now but it has gotten better over the past few years. It made me understand how to not only see things from other people's perspective but also to guess what they might be feeling. I say might because the only thing you can be sure of is when there are facts involved. In this case, facts refer to the confirmation of what the other person feels only when they talk about it. Anxiety has taught me that even if I don't know what other people are going through, the least I can do is take a step back and observe things from another angle.

Work for what you want and appreciate what you do


Whether it's in a good way or a bad one, anxiety turns your life upside down. With anxiety, everything becomes so much more difficult. Waking up in the morning, taking a shower, doing house chores — all those mundane, basic things become challenges for us, for me. But when I tell myself to "f*ckin handle it" and actually end up doing it, the smallest thing feels like an achievement that must be celebrated. I'm not saying there should be a party for every work I managed to complete but anxiety made me value the things I put my effort into, no matter how small. Anxiety also taught me that in order to feel so accomplished and victorious, one has to get things done herself.

Don't waste time on the wrong people


Just like when you're stuck in the mud, anxiety made you realized the people who are worth your time and those who are not. Over the past years it has made me realized that there are only extreme few who give a damn about how to deal with me and I'm not saying this in an egoistical manner. I'm saying that when you're facing a major down moment in life, that's when you know who is your friend. Anxiety made me realized that I need to stop wasting time on people who constantly put me on the edge of a cliff, clinging tightly in the cold because I was so afraid to let them down. It has made me realized that I don't have to adjust for anyone especially if it was never my fault.

Appreciate every detail in every moment


Anxiety taught me how life feels like in the cold. Some days feel like I'm stuck in a dark and that happiness or peace is something I will never experience in this lifetime. Other times, however, when my mind isn't too foggy or blurred, I find myself observing every detail in every moment especially when it's a well-spent one with someone important for me. When good things don't happen frequently as naturally, you end up embracing every good moment offered on your plate.

Understand things you never thought you would


And by 'things' I'm referring to the world of mental illness. I mean, we all gotta start somewhere right? When you are stuck in the same rut, you began to understand how it feels like to harbor mental illness. It doesn't matter if you and I have different diagnoses because the point is, I understand how hard it is to feel alienated. I understand how it feels like to be overwhelmed by the fucked up society we live in and the neurotypicals we are surrounded with. The world still has such a long way to go when it comes to understanding mental illness but the fact that I'm not alone in this world (and neither are you) makes it feel a little easier to go on.



I feel like there should be more things to be said than just these but I'm pretty exhausted from work and my shitty family stuff that my brain feels like it has been fried by Mcdonalds' dirty oil. I'm not even sure why I decided to write this post — probably because I wanted to be more open with my emotional state especially what's with all the PSA regarding mental illness after the tragic passing of Kim Jong-Hyun, to which I am not a fan of but am still very sorry and sad to hear. My deepest condolences to all his fans. May he rest in peace.

I'm sorry for posting such a depressing post just a few days before Christmas. I just need to get these off my mind.

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