Clocked 021 | Weeping Willow

13 Nov 2017

A way to make fun of how bad this week was, I decided to call it the week of a weeping willow because I'm a weeping mess. Ha, get it? Yeah, it's a bad joke and a failed attempt at satirical writing but hey, someone's gotta do it to lighten up the mood. This is a gloomy post, you have been warned.

There were two major highlights happening this week. One was something that is still stressing me out and will probably continue to do so for months or even years in the future. The other, however, is something that is more jolly. As much as I don't like talking about my private life and publish them online (because transparency is dangerous and risky!), I'm going to briefly talk about it.

So, I got my 6-months evaluation by my supervisor on Thursday. We sat in a coffee shop near the office and we talked for three hours straight. I told him about the restriction I feel when it comes to expressing my ideas and creativity, about how I'm starting to feel bored and unmotivated. I pretty much told him a few bits and bobs. I didn't tell him everything though because like I said, I hate being too transparent with people and I don't want to be an open book. There were some things that go against my principle (like recycling a design concept over creating new one or that quantity matters more than quality) but ah, who am I to defend myself when I'm nothing but a fresh graduate, right? You don't get to say a lot of things when you're just starting out because then they will think you're a snob. That's what companies do — they don't really acknowledge your effort no matter how much you tried. Clearly your 'best' is not their absolute standard, it never will be. I kept quiet and mentally sighed in exhaustion. I'm not sure what made me want to break — was it the fact that I somehow feel abused forced to adapt to a work ethic that I feel like goes against my principle? Or was it the fact that I'm just a sore loser who cannot take criticism? I'd like to think the former because I know my skill and I know I still have a lot to learn in order to improve myself. Still, it sucks how you've put so much effort and still be perceived less.

I wasn't completely against the whole evaluations though. Some parts kind of made me go 'what the heck, this is unfair and I kind of feel abused'  but others (like how I need to find my own 'work rhythm') made sense. At the end of the day, I bawled my eyes in the mall with my boyfriend beside me (we met after work!) and I told him that the pressure is just so overwhelming. When I was done bawling my eyes out and I was left with swollen, red eyes that probably scared the cashier lady whom I bought bread from, I went home and took a hot shower. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "beggars can't be choosers. You only have this job and you have to survive until you find another one to replace it." It sucks when you don't feel like your company sees you as a person, say certain things that trigger your depression, insecurity and anxiety and then easily say, "you know what, forget about what was said and just focus on improving and doing your best." Thank you so much.

And I get what people will say: "if you don't like it there, it's better to leave" but not everyone is as privileged to just walk away, especially when you don't poop money and there are bills to pay. I'm probably lying to myself by saying encouraging things so I won't break down and continue feeling like shit but you know what they say, fake it til you make it especially when you are stuck in crappy situations.

the light at the end of the tunnel... my boyfriend. Yes, it's cheesy and I usually don't do sentimentalism but whatever, I'm doing it. Even though we have been together for a year, it still amazes me how despite all the gloomy days and depressive episodes, I can always have someone to rely on. I still find it hard to believe that I am not as alone as I used to be and that when people say cheesy, fluffy things like 'date your best friend' they are saying the truth.

We went on a Saturdate as usual because he knew I needed it to ease my mind even though the wounds are still intact. At least I'm not bleeding as much as before, right. We had Japanese curry at Coco Ichibanya for lunch for the second time and Patbingsoo, a Korean shaved iced dessert, for dessert. We also went to Arts & Science, an indie shop selling books and exclusively expensive, hipster clothes who happens to be one of our favorite spots. It was there that I took these two photos, a clothing section separated by plastic curtains and a board of photo prints. Unfortunately, I don't think they had the photographer's name listed so I'm not sure who took which photo.

The end of the day was well-spent on cuddles and watching Buzzfeed Unsolved til 10 pm (because he had to go home) and it was a very fortunate Saturday after a stressful, uninspiring week. Sometimes, it does feel good when sappy quotes become a real life experience. 

popcorn shrimp omelette curry rice from coco ichibanya!

This one's called Apjugeong Bingsoo and it's basically a cheese bingsu. It's a shaved ice dessert topped with vanilla ice cream, cheese wafer, cheese sauce, bite-sized cheesecake, slices of cheddar cheese and uh...cheese crumbles and cheese sauce. Despite sounding overwhelming, it has a very balanced sweet and hints of saltiness in it.  

When things are tough and there's that one person who continues to stay beside you, things feel unreal and you start looking at them from a different perspective. I realized that sometimes. I'd catch myself looking at him and just stare, like a weird creep and wonder what on earth did I do to deserve someone so genuine. He smells like home, feels like home and reminds me of a home I never really have. It's a lot easier to build a house and not so simple to have a home you love to return to.

Aside from my rather gloomy life, I decided to tweak around with my blog's color scheme. Again. I'm so fickle with these things! Do you like it or hate it? I feel like going back to the whole 'white dominant' kind of minimalism feel but still keep the gradient aspect in my blog. If you didn't know, my previous color scheme was a gradient of soft pink and blue, described by Luna as 'a melted ice cream' kind of feel. This time, I tried using purples, blues and teals which are three of the most widely used and favored colors these days. I don't think anybody cares but I just thought I wanted to assess it since I'm quite proud with the customization. Another small change the renaming of my 'Check Ins' posts. I decided to call it 'Clocked' because you know, you clock in attendance.

I'm sorry that this post wasn't as fun as my other weekly summary posts. I just wasn't feeling the vibe.

Enough of me, how was your week?

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